he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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