Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
