I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Randomize
