hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
