At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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