Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
