hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
