Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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