rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
