Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
