Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
