Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
