I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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