You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Randomize
