I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
