No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
