I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
