I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
