I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
