Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
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