cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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