Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
