Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
