Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
