Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
