You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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