you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
