If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
