Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
