if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
