you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
