I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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