If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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