In the future we'll all be gay
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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