If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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