There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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