I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i love accidental penises.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
