That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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