so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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