I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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