If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
