Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
