Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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