Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
