my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
