Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
