So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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