my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
