this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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