Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
