Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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