I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
