What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
