I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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