My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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