Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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