I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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