What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
